So, I’ve noticed this thing on the Internet called “getting offended”, and I wanted to see what all the fuss was about. Indisputably, there is no end of things that are worth getting worked up over. Racism. Sexism. Child abuse. Beheadings. Domestic violence. Animal cruelty. Climate change deniers and anti-vaxxers. No, I’m talking about the other stuff. The trivial things that many people seem to spend hours railing against, defending their position on and giving energy to (the Great Starbucks Cup War On Christmas Debate of 2015 is just one that springs to mind).
I can only conclude that outrage can be fun. So here, for no other reason than I’m overdue for a blog post, is my list of A Few Things That Make Me Disproportionately Displeased.
1. The Greengrocer’s Apostrophe. Look, people, it’s really not that hard. You see an “s” at the end of a word, and you don’t know whether or not it needs an apostrophe. If you’re denoting possession e.g. the dog’s bone, the man’s hair – yes. Use one. If you’re denoting a plural e.g. three dogs, several bones, then step away from the apostrophe.
(When it comes to “it’s” and “its”, things become a bit more confusing. But I’ll forgive you for getting that one wrong.)
2. Honking motorists. If I’m not moving through an intersection fast enough for your liking, DO NOT FREAKING BEEP AT ME. 99 times out of 100, I can see something from the front of the queue that you can’t. Like a small child on foot, or oncoming traffic.
3. Health food fads. I’m looking at you, quinoa, kale, cacao and chia seeds. Why do they annoy me so much? I think it’s because every time some foodstuff gets touted as the new superfood, I try it. And every time, it ends up tasting like sawdust, grass clippings or used sump oil (or some unholy combination of the three).
4. Facebook con artists. They’re easy to spot – no mutual friends, a brand new profile, and often the profile pic is a man in uniform – and with the liberal use of Delete, Block and Report functions, even easier to shake off. But I am prone to overthinking things, and I find it deeply insulting that I look like the kind of woman who would fall for that.
5. Those people who set up temporary booths in the middle of shopping malls and then go chasing you when you walk past to try to part you from your money. There ought to be laws, I tell you! Laws!!