Here in Australia it is the 6th of January. I’m already almost a week late in making my New Year’s resolutions. I’d like to say that it is on purpose; in my head, I have a nebulous list of things I’d like to do better or differently, but if I don’t make the list explicit on the first day of January, then they’re less likely to be doomed to failure like 99% of N.Y.R.s.
In the spirit of making resolutions but trying to pretend that they’re not (let’s just call them “lifestyle improvements”), here’s a sample from my anti-bucket list – my list of things that I resolve to go to my grave having never done.
- Take a selfie
I’m always happy to be included in someone else’s selfie, and if you get enough rum-and-cokes into me, I might even be persuaded to photobomb. I just don’t want to ever be the one clicking the button. It’s all part of my master plan to remain hopelessly old-fashioned out of touch charmingly old-school.
- Use text speak.
See “charmingly old-school”.
- Sky dive.
You know that nightmare where you’re falling from a great height, and you wake up just before you hit the ground? That’s what I imagine sky diving is like, only with the small but very real possibility of suffering a gruesome death.
- Bungee jump.
See “sky dive”.
- Go on an elephant trek.
This used to be on my bucket list, until I found out that it’s bad for the elephants.
6. Get a Brazilian wax.
I have many reasons for putting this one on the list; here’s just one. I have done (and still do) many time-consuming and money-sucking things in the name of fashion or feminine beauty, but I feel that at some point one ought to just stop the insanity. A Brazilian wax is my line in the sand. On the other side of that line also lies botox, cosmetic surgery, anal bleaching, and this stuff: http://www.mynewpinkbutton.com/
7. Run a marathon (or climb Mount Everest, or complete any other difficult feat of physical strength and endurance).
Mainly because of an aversion to pain (also reason #2 for not getting a Brazilian wax). I’ve deliberately subjected myself to extreme pain before, three times in fact, when I grew other human beings inside me and extruded them out through sensitive parts of my anatomy, but that made some kind of sense because I got babies out of it. Running a long way for a long time only to get in a car at the other end and go back to where I started…nope, not seeing much sense in that.
(A disclaimer: I mean no insult or disrespect to anyone who has done or wants to do any of the above. As the French say, “chacun à son goût” – each to his/her own.)