Here in Australia it is the 6th of January. I’m already almost a week late in making my New Year’s resolutions. I’d like to say that it is on purpose; in my head, I have a nebulous list of things I’d like to do better or differently, but if I don’t make the list explicit on the first day of January, then they’re less likely to be doomed to failure like 99% of N.Y.R.s.

In the spirit of making resolutions but trying to pretend that they’re not (let’s just call them “lifestyle improvements”), here’s a sample from my anti-bucket list – my list of things that I resolve to go to my grave having never done.

  1. Take a selfie
    I’m always happy to be included in someone else’s selfie, and if you get enough rum-and-cokes into me, I might even be persuaded to photobomb. I just don’t want to ever be the one clicking the button. It’s all part of my master plan to remain hopelessly old-fashioned out of touch charmingly old-school.



  1. Use text speak.
    See “charmingly old-school”.
  2. Sky dive.
    You know that nightmare where you’re falling from a great height, and you wake up just before you hit the ground? That’s what I imagine sky diving is like, only with the small but very real possibility of suffering a gruesome death.
  3. Bungee jump.
    See “sky dive”.
  4. Go on an elephant trek.
    This used to be on my bucket list, until I found out that it’s bad for the elephants.

 6. Get a Brazilian wax.
I have many reasons for putting this one on the list; here’s just one. I have done (and still do) many time-consuming and money-sucking things in the name of fashion or feminine beauty, but I feel that at some point one ought to just stop the insanity. A Brazilian wax is my line in the sand. On the other side of that line also lies botox, cosmetic surgery, anal bleaching, and this stuff:

 7.  Run a marathon (or climb Mount Everest, or complete any other difficult feat of physical strength and endurance).
Mainly because of an aversion to pain (also reason #2 for not getting a Brazilian wax). I’ve deliberately subjected myself to extreme pain before, three times in fact, when I grew other human beings inside me and extruded them out through sensitive parts of my anatomy, but that made some kind of sense because I got babies out of it. Running a long way for a long time only to get in a car at the other end and go back to where I started…nope, not seeing much sense in that.

(A disclaimer: I mean no insult or disrespect to anyone who has done or wants to do any of the above. As the French say, “chacun à son goût” – each to his/her own.)

  1. John Irvine says:

    That’s what I like about you, Tracie… your casual, off-hand OTT moments! What makes them so enjoyable to read about is, of course, your talent with the virtual quill. You never, ever, do anything halfway… all on or all off. I like that in a woman!!

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