This one’s for you, Max…
INTERVIEW WITH AN OCTOPUS
Brandy: I’m Brandy Sanderson, and we’re on the set of ‘Cthulhu The Musical’ today, talking to its star, Tommy Tentacles. That’s an interesting name, Mr Tentacles –
Tommy: Call me Tommy, please.
Brandy: OK, ah, Tommy… I expected something a bit more exotic. How did your parents choose the name ‘Tommy’?
Tommy: ‘Tommy Tentacles’ is my stage name. My agent suggested I change it. My real name is asgwetdfangv’advohew.
Brandy: Ah…right. ‘Tommy’ it is. So, Tommy, how long have you been playing the tuba?
Tommy: [offended]. It’s a baritone, Brandy. [mutters under his breath] And you call yourself an entertainment correspondent…
Brandy: I’m sorry, Tommy – how long have you been playing the baritone?
Tommy: [leans close to reporter] I’ll let you in on a little secret, Brandy- I can’t actually play a baritone. No lips, you see [motions with one tentacle towards face]. No, all the wind instruments are actually played by manatees.
Tommy: Yeah, manatees. They got lips like this [holds two tentacles wide apart].
Brandy: Oh…kay… Now, tell me, Tommy, have you always wanted to be an actor? What led you to this role?
Tommy: It’s a funny thing – when I was little, I always wanted to be a dentist. Oh, and my other ambition was to not end up on a salad, but I guess I achieved that one, heheh. I was on my way to dentistry school when I got lost and blundered into the audition rooms for ‘Cthulhu’. And the rest is history.
Brandy: And what does the future hold for Tommy Tentacles?
Tommy: The high tide mark’s the limit, Brandy! In ‘Cthulhu’, it’s true that I get to showcase a wide range of my extensive talents. I sing, I dance, I act, I pretend to play the baritone, I squeeze through impossibly small openings…but for my next project, I’d like to show my serious side. Shakespeare, I think. I could do a mean MacBeth. Or perhaps a romantic lead. Or I might even pretend to give it all away and become a rap artist, and have a mockumentary made about me by my best friend, and later on we’ll reveal that it’s all been one big joke at Hollywood’s expense, and…
Brandy: [whispers to Tommy] I think you’ll find that’s already been done. So tell me more about ‘Cthulhu’. I hear that you have to spend hours in make up each day for your role.
Tommy: Nah, not really. A pair of kids’ fairy wings and some plastic fangs, and I’m done. They don’t exactly have a big budget; they’re paying me in shrimp.
Brandy: And how about your co-star… Arnaaluk Noongwook. Did I say that right?
Tommy: Oh, Arnie, yeah… heheheh. Arnaaluk’s a girl’s name, you know. Only don’t tell him I told you. He’s a bit sensitive about it.
Brandy: Critics have used words like ‘moving’, ‘raw’ and ‘intense’ to describe the final showdown between you and Arnaaluk’s character The Narwhal. Is your relationship as confrontational off-set as it is on?
Tommy: Oh, no, that’s all just acting. Off set we’re best of mates [coughs into one tentacle something that sounds suspiciously like ‘arsehole’].
Brandy: Critics also say that ‘Cthulhu The Musical’ makes too large a departure from the Cthulhu Mythos as originally conceived by H.P. Lovecraft. How do you respond to that?
Tommy: H.P. who?